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I am celebrating three months of being sober and looking for advice on supporting my 11-year-old neurodivergent son. Through rehabilitation and AA, I've achieved this milestone, though my drinking intensified during the last couple of years. Previously, I was sober for the first six years of his life.

The Impact of Previous Challenges

Towards the end, my alcohol consumption was non-stop, and my son witnessed me out of control and miserable. He took on a feeling of duty, believing he was the sole person who could prevent me from drinking by taking away bottles. I feel utterly ashamed about this. I have repeatedly told him that only I can manage my behavior.

He stayed with his father for several months—we divorced five years ago, but his father is supportive of my sobriety. He returned back in with me when he began secondary school in September. Trust between us is gradually building as he sees that I am sober and devoting all my effort into getting better.

Current Difficulties and Emotions

He remains hyper-vigilant and worried about my safety. As a result, he is terribly controlling of my actions—partly due to anxiety about my drinking, but also because he is on the spectrum and anxious about unexpected changes. I'm focusing on confidence and boundaries; it would be easy to give in to his requests, but that doesn't feel right as a caregiver. It is hard as I also feel enormously guilty.

I reached out to Children’s Services while in treatment, and we are awaiting help for my son from local addiction services. In the meantime, I feel quite at sea about how to talk with him. I aim not to cause him distress, but I also wish not to overlook the previous events. How do we move forward?

Professional Advice on Healing

Young ones need to feel secure, especially after chaotic periods when they couldn't be sure if their parent could keep them secure. They might feel worried about bringing up these topics now. Kids often think things are their responsibility—taking the blame rather than their guardians, as the other option feels overwhelming. Being autistic can intensify these emotions.

People in the midst of addiction frequently make apologies they may not be able to fulfill. This makes it hard for loved ones to know what to believe.

It is common for those in addiction to offer apologies they cannot maintain. As a result, loved ones can find it hard to trust them. Along with boundaries, it's really important to be reliable and demonstrate your son that situations have improved, instead of just telling him.

Practical Steps for Dialogue and Support

Focus on him adjusting at school and establish a solid routine. Then, introduce the idea that any topic is forbidden—if that is indeed the case. Dinner times can be a good time to talk, as can parallel tasks like walking or traveling, since they require minimal eye contact, which individuals find too intense. Perhaps there's an hobby you and your son like doing together? Avoid thinking "we must talk," but seek chances for conversation and see if they happen. Also, consider your son's favored way of communication—it may not be talking; it could be through writing, or a mix of both.

It's essential for him to know that his refuge besides home might be with his father. You should not take it personally if he chooses to go there sometimes. This isn't a sign you've done poorly—it's a process that won't be linear.

Separating Personal Needs from His

You need to separate your needs from your son's. Make sure you're not comforting him to make yourself feel better—for your own relief—because you can't do that via your son. You'll better focus on what he requires if you receive good support yourself.

You are making great progress. Keep going.