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Sarah's Experience: Embracing A Asexual Nature

Sarah, 37: “I’ve not once been fond of sex. Growing up, I thought flawed because people praised it highly.”

The sole topic that her partner and I have ever disagreed on is intimacy in our relationship. When we met in our late twenties, sex was certainly something he sought more frequently than me. After about half a year of being together, we decided to try an open arrangement so that he could seek out people who desire more intimacy than me.

There were pangs of envy in the beginning, but our relationship was strengthened due to honest talks, and I eventually felt completely safe in our love. It became a huge blessing for our relationship, since I never craved sex. As a teen, I thought broken as society at large emphasized its importance, but I never fully understood the hype about it.

Upon finding a book about asexuality through a post a while back, it was like looking in a mirror. I was taken aback, since back then I identified as a a person who enjoys sex – I find solo sex satisfying, and I experienced a fair amount of sex when I was younger. But I believe I engaged in those encounters since I experienced shame – an effect of growing up in a society that teaches us it’s necessary to satisfy your partner.

The resource taught me was that asexuality is a diverse continuum. For example, I experience no urge, even for individuals who I consider attractive. I admire their appearance, but I don’t want to have sex with them. But I enjoy having orgasms. To me, it’s pleasurable and it’s a nice release – a means to settle everything on my mind upstairs.

It felt very freeing to share with my partner that I am asexual. He accepts it. We sometimes engage in intimacy, as I feel profound closeness as well as closeness to him during those moments, and I am deliberately opting when I want to be close to him in that way. It isn’t that I have a libido, but there exist alternative purposes to engage sexually, for example seeking connection. I see his pleasure, and that makes me happy. Similarly that a person who is sexual can opt to refrain from sex, I can opt to be physical for other reasons than sexual excitement.

His Viewpoint: Love Beyond Sex

A 36-year-old man: The fact that intimacy isn’t a priority does not imply that affection is absent.”

Sex was once extremely significant to me. It was the source from which I gained much of my self-esteem. I had been ill and hospitalized frequently as a teenager, so intimacy turned into an activity that I felt provided empowerment regarding my physique. It then transform upon getting to know my partner, because physical intimacy was no longer the most important thing in our relationship.

Alongside her, I began seeing more value in other parts of who I am, and it reduced the importance of sex. I don’t want to have sex with other people now either. Should I have the urge for intimacy, I have different approaches to address it. Solo sex is an option, but alternatively a long walk, thinking about what I’m feeling or watercolour painting.

Upon her discovery of her identity, I started to understand that intimacy is focused on bonding. This can occur via physical intimacy, but also through alternative ways that are equally worthy and satisfying. I once had a set understanding of the meaning of asexuality – if sex was absent, you never have sexual feelings. But it exists on a continuum, and it takes time to figure out where you stand along it.

We’ve been together for almost a decade, and simply because intimacy isn’t a priority is not a sign that affection is lacking. Planning intentional periods for connection is very important for both of us. At times we work on these adult Lego sets and do them in small portions every morning, which seems really intimate. Alternatively we’ll have a date night and head out for a special beverage and a pizza. We cuddle and discuss futures down the road, which is a way to show affection. I experience great joy from preparing meals for others, and I feel deeply fulfilled like an afterglow of sex.

This aspect has just expanded the concept of what our relationship means. It’s like reducing the options you have to work with – it forces you to be more creative using available means. It encourages you to reflect creatively. But it did not lessen the bond that I experience for Sarah at all.